Hand-breaks

Do you know the feeling when you have tasks to do, but somehow it feels like someone has pulled up the hand breaks of your body, so no matter how much you try to move, you're just not able to carry out those tasks? 

if you don't know this feeling, please be grateful! It not a wonderful feeling to have. 

The heart and body are not in sync.

Heart wants to get do something, but body refuses.

This paralysed body is causing a lot of harm... things not being executed, time is wasted, yet nothing can be done. 

IF I manage to summon all my strength to carry it out, then exhaustion sinks and I can't do anything else after.

This are not big tasks I'm saying.... just mundane things like preparing a meal, throwing the rubbish, going to the bank, making a call, etc... it may sound bizarre to you, but these things sometimes feel really big that I paralyse. 

Today is one such lousy day. at least i managed to type it out here! 

6 years has passed...

Can't believe that it's been 6 years since I last posted something over here! I couldn't even find my link on google.. that is probably a good thing i guess.. 

Not to get excited or anything..i do not have any intentions to start blogging again, but at this time of the night, i just felt like coming back to place i once used to write to procrastinate and sometimes share some thoughts and feelings to the unknown, just to reminisce... instead of doing that, i am now writing a lil something here. just because. 

In these pass 6 years, many things have happened... however, i find it really weird that even though so much life changing events have happened to me, I myself have not changed. I'm still a procrastinator, a lazy bum, skill-less chicken and depressed more often now than before.

It's funny, I never realised I was depressive until after marriage (yup! i got married!).. not that marriage is bad.. in fact i'm very grateful to have such a wonderful husband! But after marriage, i realised that there have been times in my life that i've felt particularly low and loss of motivation. Just not sure why i've been feeling much more deeper in the hole in these pass 2 years.. as if I have lost my dreams and sense of purpose. I no longer have any dreams i want to chase... I am more afraid to starting/doing something, and i'm unsure about almost everything! I keep seeing myself turning into my mother which i dread immensely, however I don't know how to resolve that matter when I can't even have a heart-to-heart conversations with her. So right now i particularly feel like a failure in all aspects of life. Don't particularly like myself either, but just too tired to change. 

Yup, there we are. and nope, i'm not a fighter.... i can't seem to fight this destiny i'm in to take action  to make things better... all I do is wallow deeper and deeper in my hole... convinced that i'm in for doom. 

Isn't it a wonderful place to be in? please sense the sarcasm here. 

The older I get, the more things i need to figure out...
where shall we live? when to have kids? am I even ready for kids? what's my calling? what kinda work do i want/can do? how can we have savings? what to invest in? how to get a side income? what kinda risks should I take? omg the list just goes on and on.....

why can't it be easier? What happened to having more wisdom as we get older?

i dread these questions... i have not grown up at all. what if I don't want to? Why invite all these complications into life? Since when life had to be complicated?! 

I wanna end the post with a positive note, but i can't think of anything right now. So that's just it. 

learning to trust

Speaking about moving on previously...

last week we get the news that we have to move out once our contract ends as the landlord wants to move in (or so that's what they tell us!).

So hunt for a new apartment began... not much to choose from as we ( me & my housemate) wants to stay in the same neighbourhood. I wont go to the details how it has been going on... but its just a very tiring process and we just had to put all our trust in these two lovely agents who we were not so sure in the beginning, but today they finally proved to be the sweetest most sincere agents i've known... i mean i don't think im being gullible saying this.. because i know u may be thinking these real estate agents just want the money, but these girls give me a different impression!

just sayin' today i learnt that there are still plenty of good people out there.. and even tho i try not to easily trust people.. i think i should go with my gut sometimes!

movin on!

people come,

people go,

they cross your path,

as you flow..

maybe you learn something,

maybe you see differently,

maybe even your heart is touched,

maybe its just meant to be.

people come,

and then they go,

u wish they'd be there forever,

but a scar is all that's left,

just gotta go with the flo'...

and keep movin' on.

chapter 5 - bliss

This blog has been in hibernate mode for a lil too long!

Well that's coz i'm in middle kingdom living chapter 5 of me life. and its seems to be an awesome chapter, Im sure it will continue to be too :)

FINALLY i feel independent... and gosh its such a great feeling! even tho i know i need to clean the apartment, cook, buy groceries, wash clothes...but the freedom of it is just priceless..plus living in this place just makes it all the sweeter...

not to say its been all rosy posy since I came..not at all.. i've been faced with some pretty tough situations, still do in fact... but they don't really matter... for I'm a happy lil person (not so lil in this country!) living me life like i want it to be!

This is really the country of the future, and everyday i feel so blessed to be here. :)

Tests

yesterday was a tough day of fasting.

I realized that I have no patience! be it on the road, or with people...

I'm still waiting to go.. being in limbo stage ain't all that fun... it requires patience too... and somehow i feel like im not having much of it lately.... everyday i can feel my soul drowning deeper n deeper into somewhere unknown.. yikes!

I need to find my peace back.. this is my test.. to learn to be patient under all conditions and lay all my affairs in His hands...I have another 12 days before the fast is over and this special time is gone... oh boy!

O God! please help me!

Heloo March!

Why hellooo there!

Here u are March.. and here am I still at home... its ok.. lets do this again 1 more time before i actually really leave (at some point!).

Fasting Month is here...and last year i tried me best to post everyday on my reflections of the day.. this year I shall direct you to an awesome website which I love to go to during this time because it's very refreshing : Nineteendays is a collection of pictures coming from different people, each day there are 2 people sharing their pictures and their thoughts together with quotations from the Writings or prayers.

Hope u enjoy it as much as I do every year.. will see how mine goes this year. I think it'll be challenging seeing that i have ample time on me hands.. I hope it'll be spiritually uplifting!

Happy Fasting to all my Baha'i Friends!

2010 refelctions

what a year it has been!

2010 was definitely what I had wanted it to be..and maybe more!

Best moments:

finishing me thesis and being satisfied with my grade for it :)

Seeing the Lotus Temple, and my 1st day inside the temple listening to the chants by volunteers..best feeling ever! being there for a whole month in India - even better!

meeting some awesome people from everywhere :)

discovering me luv for Melaka.. i think i wanna go there and retire!

performing 2 flash mobs in a year?! too awesome!

movie nights / bbq's / game nights next door

awesome bday wit ze fam :)

Worst moments:

stress leading up to the dateline of thesis. almost died with the stats!

leaving the Lotus Temple

fam dramas

false hopes of leaving for China so soon.

All in all...

my best were the bestest..but my worsts were not really horrible... so that makes 2010 AWESOME! ahh... tis one year i wont forget... definitely!

2011...

tis year I know will require me to be a more responsible and independent person. Hopefully I will enjoy it, and have fun at the same time.

God willing, aall vill be vell ;)

keep ur head up

have u watched an interactive music vid before?

if no, check THIS out!

http://www.andygrammer.com/

he's definitely one guy u wanna watch out for ;)

Up!

disclaimer: this aint bout the animation movie UP - dont get over excited! it also aint any advert bout airasia.

I did somethin spontaneous recently. I bought meself a ticket to Jakarta thx to Airasia for super cheap rate, and awesome timing! haha... so in 2 weeks i was off to visit me familia across the sea! One thin for sho, I luv airports... seeing d ppl..tryin to guess where they goin.... the excitement u can see in the kids (or fear!)... the whole idea of venturing to a place which isn't ur home gets me all hyped!

There's this thing about flying up up in the sky that makes u ponder on life... i dont know bout u..but it always happens to me.. thinkin about the ppl back home..whats to happen next...and the bigger picture.

I was coming back frm Padang - KL, n just looking at the roads..the cars driving looked like lil toys, couldn't even see the human beings.. made me realize how small we are as a human. we are just one person.. and life goes on weather u r there or not.. why do we think so big of ourselves? looking at the sea.. i could see the waves emerging and coming to shore.. it was amazing how these waves just emerge frm d middle of nowhere..n come crashing to the shore... the mountains were so huge even from above... Nature is indeed somethin magnificent...and we take it for granted!.. there's so much beauty in the world (cue Macy Gray's song)... i've seen so many pretty heavenly sights while flying..! and it just reminds me that im just a tiny human being lucky enough to be here and appreciate the beauty God has given and just doing what i can for this place called home.

Flying really makes a person think! i highly recommend it ;)

oh Lotus!

i never would have thought how serving at one place can leave such an impact on me.

Serving at the Baha'i House of Worship a.k.a Lotus Temple in Delhi for about a month plus was just out of this world! literally!

now after 3 months... i still miss it every single day..n im not kidding! it just brings joy and a feeling unexplainable being able to serve and what more to chant prayers inside the temple... i've never loved saying prayers more in my life than when i was there! and the Indian people.. they are so spiritual!

ok not ALL of em..but sooo many of them are! its so easy to have meaningful conversations with the visitors there... everyday i'd pray that i'd be able to have meaningful conversations with at least one person.. and i always got my wish granted :)

but the experience wouldn't be THAT awesome if it weren't for the volunteers! in just a short time, we became really tight even tho everyone was from different backgrounds, but that was even better! all of us jz chilling by the steps, on the temple grounds..always celebrating somebody's birthday or a going away party and going to the bazaars while rushing to beat our curfew..adventures i'll neva forget!

the whole thing was so surreal.. i couldn't believe myself that i was there! i've dreamt of serving there for the longest time ever...n now my dream came thru!

i'm definitely gonna go back there again.. but i also wanna travel India properly and experience it ALL! this time my mind was just focused on service so i really didn't bother to go and see places in Delhi... next time im gonna do both and for a longer period of time... so it's on my list of places to re-visit again!

i miss it soooo much!

where's the groooove?

i've been tossing about the idea of moving to a new blog to start anew...

but, 1st of all I think i've lost the groove to blog.. like i used to think of stuff to blog, now i dont anymore!

2nd.. it could probly be due to the fact that i just pretty much bumm and dont have really exciting stories to tell...

3rd (and bestest reason) is that i'm pure lazy!

BUT i decided to do a post cuz somebody told me to update! hahaha...

so aint gonna move just yet... will try to find inspiration 2 blog here once in awhile lah :)

just being in this phase of life right now isn't as bad as i thought! I mean yeh half d time im at home.. but i like the freedom of doing what i want whenever i want :D

been thinkin if i shuld go learn a new skill.. like dancing! but these stuff always involves money (long term).... so its always keeping me back! maybe when i start earning i could invest in that!

as much as i dont want money to matter...in the end it does! n i hate money matters..

aite i wont go there cuz im no expert!

till d next time! taaaa

life after uni

WHOA!

its been awhile since i last saw this blog! anyway good thing dat nobody follows.. teehee ;)

so Im finally DONE with uni... finished me assignments and exams! last day of exams was jz like any normal day... dats wat i hate bout HELP... all i remember doin is goin out 4 mamak at nite wit my couz Vaf n siblings 2 suku's.. haha...happenin laaa... all my othr uni mates still had papers 2 finnish dats why!

pt. 5 of life finally began afta uni.. i became full time intern with sunny stories.. ahh..my work was interesting..having to call our local stars (whom i never knew previously) n askin em to come audition! :p

afta internship over, i visited me granma....spend some good quality time with her..learnin bit of cooking, doing Ruhi & studying Ridvan msg together...it was nice :)

my next adventure began right after that -India :D

my dream come true to go serve at the Lotus Temple... it was AMAZING! not gonna elaborate here....

rite after India, the whole fam went to Oz (me n neda did melb n sydney) 4 our couz Astan's wedding, where 3/4 of d time was spent eating or searchin 4 food/coffee! i swear i got fat!

n rite now im back to being a bumbum....n i await my next adventure.....!!!

last but not least....

mark this time.

i am finally done with psycho assignments! and i mean ALL! after 3 years torture of analyzing, reviewing journals, reflecting, referencing... im done wit em!!

couldnt be more happier right now...!! :D

oh i do hope i get a good grade for this one... it took me sooooo long to finnish a 1000 word essay.. i did better during my thesis in fact! :p

but its alll overrrr now... assignments wise that is.. there's still defense and finals!

cheking me list of one at a time.. so suspense lah! haha...

but im so reliefed rite now.. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

dawn

the only thing i like about staying up the whole night to do assignments is the fact that i get to see the sun slowly rising. if it weren't for this, i dont think i'll witness dawn time (besides during fasting time of cuz!). once the sun is up, its my cue to go sleep.

Thesis is killing the life outta me! and i'd like to remember this moment. hence the post!

chicken run

I was waiting in line in KFC the other day and I overheard the people at the front of the queue arguing with the cashier. Apparently, KFC had sold out of chicken. The customer asked, "How can you run out of chicken? This is KFC!" to which the cashier replied, "What else are we supposed to run out of?" -taken from MLIA

almost

im almost there

almost at the end

but the light isnt appearing yet

so near yet so far

so muddled the thoughts, for now n for future.

so screwed up, yet the taste of end seems like fruity bubble gum.

pop goes the bubble.

stress.disappointment.stress.backpain.

need to go thru this to see the end.

as chinese saying goes "chi ku hou tian" - eat bitter, later sweet

aiyoh.finish this already!

:(

18th & 19th Day

all i can remember in this last two days of fasting was last min shopping!

i know, fasting is meant for us to learn to be detached and all, so why u think i didnt bother bout naw-ruz shoppin till the v.last min? i was busy being detached n all :p

anyway i went shoppin on me own this time.. its tough having to decide on what to buy, but then at least i dont get influenced by other ppl's opinions, and buy what i truely like..and i must say i was v.happy with my shopping!

the last two days also really tested my patience... i obviously dont really hv much of it, so it was huge test!

anyway i'm glad i did this..and now the fast is over.. the sun has set and life goes back to normal, and im liking it :)


i hope u enjoyed this special 19days!
now a New Day has come..a.k.a Naw Ruz!

15th, 16th & 17th Day

finally im not 1 day behind! :p

the battle i face everymornin with my bed and head.

the sunrises as i get back for sleep pt.2

pure torture baking sinful cookies during da fast for naw-ruz!

after the sun sets, the city looks alive

12th, 13th &14th Day

its the last proper weekend of the Fast!

spent most of it doin me research..my last chance, cuz my dateline IS coming up!

im grateful that i had a wonderful assistant researcher with me thru out cuz im sure i wouldnt have made it on me own!

goin to different places for my research just gave confirmations that our education system is really bad :(

on the side note- i've got a PLAN :) find out soon what the PLAN will be!

luv how its been an up and down weekend again..oh Fast!